the 36 questions that "lead to love": truth or myth?
A viral list of 36 questions: it brings people closer together but doesn't guarantee love
On the eve of Valentine's Day, a popular idea has resurfaced again: there are supposedly "36 questions that lead to love". It was made famous by an article by Mandy Len Catron, where she described how in 2014, on a date with an acquaintance, they took turns answering these questions - and soon became very close.
But can these questions really "make" people fall in love? The author of The Conversation explains: the set of questions was originally invented by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues in the 1990s as a quick way to create a sense of intimacy between strangers in an experiment. The procedure is simple: two people sit opposite each other and take turns answering questions for about 45 minutes, which gradually become more personal.
Why it works The main mechanism is mutual self-disclosure. When one person shares something personal, it is easier for the other person to open up too. This increases trust and the feeling of being understood and accepted - this is how a sense of intimacy grows.
Aron's research showed that people who went through the 36 Questions felt more intimacy on average than participants in the small talk group. More recent work has also found that participants were more likely to talk about liking, pleasant communication, and feeling that the partner was "responding" after such a conversation.
But an important caveat: intimacy is not the same as love. The authors emphasise that the 36 questions do not automatically create such things as commitment, fidelity, long-term attachment, nor do they guarantee passion and physical attraction - these are usually formed over time and depend on many factors.
But the method can be useful beyond romance: for example, to strengthen relationships in a couple, to make friends, to "melt the ice" in a group, or to bring people closer together in training and teams - in various studies, similar exercises have helped people feel closer.
The bottom line is simple: 36 questions are a way to get to know a person more quickly and create a sense of trust, but they are not a "love button".
Here is the full list of 36 questions - in three sets (as in the original procedure).
Set I
If you could choose any person in the world, who would you invite to dinner?
Would you want to be famous? In what way?
Before a phone call do you ever rehearse what you will say? Why?
What would be the "perfect" day for you?
When was the last time you sang to yourself? And to someone else?
If you could live to be 90 years old and keep either the mind or body of a 30 year old for the last 60 years of your life - which would you choose?
Do you have a secret premonition of how you will die?
Name three things you think you and your partner have in common.
What in your life are you most grateful for?
If you could change one thing about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as you can.
If you could wake up tomorrow with one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about you, your life, your future, or anything - what would you want to know?
Is there something you've been wanting to do for a long time? Why haven't you done it yet?
What is your greatest accomplishment in life?
What do you value most in friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your hardest memory?
If you knew you were going to die suddenly in a year, would you change anything about the way you live your life now? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What role do love and tenderness play in your life?
Take turns naming what you think is a positive quality in a partner. Five items in total.
How friendly and warm is your family? Was your childhood happier than most people's?
How would you rate your relationship with your mother?
Set III
Compose three true sentences each beginning with "we". For example: "Both of us in this room right now feel..."
Complete the sentence, "I wish I had someone around to share with..."
If you were going to be close friends, tell what would be important for your partner to know about you.
Tell your partner what you like about him or her - as honestly as possible, including things you wouldn't normally say to someone you've just met.
Share an embarrassing episode from your life with your partner.
When was the last time you cried in front of another person? When was the last time you cried alone?
Tell your partner something you like about him or her right now.
What, if anything, can't be joked about?
If you were to die tonight and you couldn't say goodbye/talk to anyone, what would you most regret not telling someone? Why haven't you said it until now?
Your house (with everything you own) caught fire. The loved ones and pets you saved have already been taken out. You have time for one safe leap to save one thing. What will it be and why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would be the hardest for you? Why?
Tell a personal problem and ask a partner to suggest how he/she would act in your place. Then ask your partner to say how he/she thinks you feel about the problem.