Psychologists have discovered how couples work out what each other is afraid of

A new study has shown that, in many cases, this is indeed the case. Partners usually identify such emotional vulnerabilities with reasonable accuracy.

But there is a caveat: people often slightly exaggerate each other’s anxieties. They perceive their partner as more insecure, anxious or withdrawn than their partner describes themselves.

And this isn’t always a bad thing. When a person perceived their partner as more anxious and fearful of losing the relationship, they were more likely to offer support: expressing love, showing tenderness and reassuring them that the relationship was secure.

The study was published in the *Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin*.

Details

The psychologists did not study just any fears, but what is known in science as attachment in relationships. Put simply, this is how a person behaves around a close partner.

There are two common types of insecurity.

The first is anxious attachment. Such a person may fear being no longer loved, abandoned or rejected. They often need more reassurance: ‘I love you’, ‘I’m here for you’, ‘everything is fine between us’.

The second is avoidant attachment. Such a person may find excessive closeness difficult. They are more protective of their personal space, rely more on themselves and may come across as cold or distant.

Two groups of couples took part in the study. The first comprised 108 young couples who had been together for an average of about one and a half years. The second comprised 147 couples, many of whom had been together for much longer. The authors compared how individuals described themselves with how their partners perceived them.

It turned out that partners really can ‘pick up on’ each other’s anxiety and reserve. But this is not mind-reading. Rather, people pick up on recurring signals: who frequently seeks reassurance of love, who withdraws during difficult times, who fears conflict, and who avoids overly candid conversations.

That said, this perception was not perfect. The researchers identified several typical errors.

Firstly, people often perceive their partner as more insecure than they actually consider themselves to be.

Second: a person may project their own fears onto their partner. For example, if they themselves feel anxious in the relationship, it seems easier to them to believe that their partner is anxious too.

Thirdly: people sometimes see their partner as their opposite. To an anxious person, their partner may seem too cold. And to someone who avoids intimacy themselves, their partner may seem too demanding and ‘clingy’.

What proved most interesting

The most important finding relates to support. In the second study, couples reported several times a day over a 10-day period how they showed tenderness and care: whether they said ‘I love you’, hugged their partner, or helped them with chores.

The couples also recorded their conversations when discussing personal problems or stress. The researchers looked to see whether a partner offered more reassurance and support if they perceived the other as anxious.

The result was as follows: if a person perceived their partner as more anxious, they were more likely to try to reassure them. They were more likely to show love, care and a willingness to stay in the relationship.

In other words, a slight misperception can sometimes act as a safety net. A person might think: ‘It’s important for them right now to feel that I’m there for them’ — and so they become more attentive.

But this does not mean that it is always helpful to exaggerate a partner’s fears. If you constantly view the other person as weak, anxious or in need of reassurance, it can become exhausting for both of you. The research shows a link between perception and support, but does not prove that any misperceptions always improve relationships.

Why this is important

In relationships, people react not only to their partner’s actual behaviour, but also to their own perception of it. If someone thinks their partner is afraid of being abandoned, they may talk more often about love and stability. If they think their partner needs more space, they may put less pressure on them.

Sometimes this helps. The partner feels understood. The relationship becomes more peaceful.

But there is a downside. A mistaken perception can become entrenched. For example, one person might consider the other ‘too anxious’ and start treating them as if they were fragile. Or, conversely, they might decide that their partner is ‘cold’, when in fact they are simply tired or under stress.

So the main practical conclusion is simple: trying to guess your partner’s feelings is useful, but it’s better to check your assumptions through conversation. Not ‘I know you’re scared’, but ‘It seems to me you need some support right now — am I right?’.

Background

Attachment theory has long been used in relationship psychology. It helps explain why some people are very afraid of distance, whilst others, on the contrary, are frightened by excessive closeness.

Previously, researchers had studied extensively how anxious or avoidant attachment styles affect relationships. But another aspect was less clear: how well partners recognise these traits in each other, and whether they adjust their behaviour as a result.

New research shows that within couples, there is both accuracy and distortion at the same time. People may understand their partner quite well, but still view them through the lens of their own fears, expectations and past experiences.

Source

Study: Elina R. Sun, Xiangjing Kong, Jason A. Mitala, Jeewon Oh, Brett K. Jakubiak, “Perceiving to Provide: How Partner Attachment Perceptions Inform Reassurance Provision in Romantic Relationships”, *Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin*, 2026.