How to apologise so that you are really believed: a scientific approach

Apologies are often called "cheap words" - because you can say them without putting any sincerity into them. But the truth is that apologies work: they increase trust and reduce resentment. Especially if the person apologising shows that it costs them something - time, effort or even money.

Psycholinguist Shiri Lev-Ari conducted two studies to find out how words shape perceptions of apologies. And she found an unexpected pattern: the longer the words, the more sincere the apology sounds.

Why does word length matter?

It turns out that people perceive apologies with longer words as more sincere. For example:

• "I didn't mean to respond rudely."

• "I didn't mean to respond in an aggressive manner."

The second phrase is perceived as deeper and more thoughtful, even though it essentially conveys the same thing. Longer words take more effort to say and write. This can signal: a person is really trying, which means that he or she is truly sorry.

But the rarity of words - that is, how unusual they are - has almost no effect on the perception of sincerity. Moreover, too few words can make the apology less understandable. So the ideal formula is long but understandable words.

What has the research shown?

In the first study, Lev-Ari analysed apology tweets from celebrities and regular users. Apologetic posts contained longer words than regular posts by the same authors. This suggests that people intuitively try to complicate their speech to show sincerity.

In a second experiment, participants were offered three versions of the same phrase with different lengths and complexity of words. Again - the longer words elicited more empathy and were perceived as more apologetic than the shorter ones.

How to put this into practice?

If you are truly sorry, spend a little more effort on the wording. Not "I'm sorry, I was wrong" but "I'm sorry, my behaviour was unacceptable". Not only does this sound more serious, but it shows that you care.

Apologising is also an art

Shiri Lev-Ari's research clearly shows: it's not just the substance of words that matters, but also their form. Sometimes a word like "character" sounds weightier than "I" in the context of an apology. Not because it's more meaningful - but because you put more effort into choosing it.

So if you're humming "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" in your head right now, go for it: a little linguistics will make your apology sound real.